And now for some deep thoughts....

I have been doing some thinking lately about the way I perceive myself versus how others might see me. It may come to a surprise to those who only know me as a loudmouth bubbly type of personality, but I have a severe lack of self confidence and belief in myself. I used to brim with self confidence mostly, and believe in myself much more than I do now. Maybe it's my weight, maybe it's turning thirty, maybe it's being around the gorgeous (and mostly sweet) coeds on campus, but I feel like my inner spirit is just bogged down by doubt. I am an actress at heart (really, I have done theat-uh), and I usually cover up my mental crap, but lately I have been struggling even with that.

Wednesday night I watched a lecture by an amazing artist, Luba Lukova (google her, see her work, love her). I was struck by how confident she is about the worth of her work. She knows that what she creates is important and thought provoking. She exudes confidence in her work, and that has to melt into the rest of her life. I found myself really thinking about myself and why I am struggling so hard to find that confidence in myself.

I thought about this past week and the many thoughts I've had.

I remember specific things:
feeling shattered after the critique in my painting class. I got a B and still felt like my talent is nonexistant.
talking about myself like I'm worthless, yet again.
questioning whether I can even do this thing called art.
looking at my sketches and thinking they are crap.
looking at myself and not seeing my spark anymore, just seeing this fat lady I barely recognize staring back at me.
feeling diminished and diminishing myself further by my thoughts and words.

And I realized I have to stop this. It isn't depression. It isn't artistic angst. I somehow shifted from someone who is self conscious about her weight and the age difference between me and the other students into someone who questions every thought and act and every THING about myself. I can't keep doing this, I'm becoming frozen in doubt and inaction.

Then just as I was realizing that it isn't outside influences doing this, that I'm doing it to myself, I started to wonder if people really see me as just the fat older person in class, or the harrassed looking mom in the grocery store, or if people can still see the spark in me. Maybe it's not completely lost, maybe it's just lost to me for right now. And when I started to think that as I was driving home from the store, I almost had to pull over, because I realized that my friends see that inner glow that I've misplaced. They see the funny person who makes them laugh and they enjoy being around. I'm not an annoyance or a burr in their sides. I am worthy of listening to, I have something to contribute.

Phew, this is hard to write. Not only have I been seeing myself through the warped perception of mass media and the idealization of physique that I just don't have, but I have been connecting my physical self to my self worth. I have been chipping away at my confidence in my abilities with my anger at my physicality. Yes, I am overweight and have been for several years. I am working on that. But I have always been a silly dorky kind and caring person with something to contribute and my size only changes that if I let it.

Tonight as I was thinking about all of this, I was on facebook, and my friend Sasha posted a link to this article:
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/note.php?note_id=159853506105&id=25611803273&ref=nf

and it was a huge lightbulb moment for me. I'm not starting a photography business, and you can even discount my art stuff and graphic design intentions. Joyce Smith says, "Nevertheless, I knew the type of photographer I wanted to be and I carried myself as if I had already arrived. It was clear to me early on that I needed to come from a place of confidence." Erase "photographer" and insert "Erin" and you've got how I feel right now. I always joke with Ann about having a mantra, "I am worthy, I am smart, I have a cute nose." :) It continues on from there, but it's just silliness. But that is the idea. I need to remind myself that even when I feel like other people are derisive or laughing at what I have to say, so what, that doesn't mean it doesn't have value. If I say a painting makes me happy because the frenetic motion reminds me of leaves in the wind during the fall, then that's what the freaking painting makes me feel. If I say tone instead of contrast and you think that's funny and you need to snicker, well, that's just you, and yes it still bothers me almost a year later. BUT, my remarks are still valid, that's my emotional response to a piece of art. I'm not going to let snobbishness bother me anymore. So I don't have the vocabulary to explain myself all the time, big deal. I have the mental faculty and emotional depth and life experience that makes my thoughts valid.

Wooh, didn't mean to rant. What I mean to say is that I have rediscovered my inner artsy dorky happy goofy smart caring sensitive and not afraid to show it, proud to be thirty and have lived and who cares if I am not a party going crazy person, have a husband who loves me, kids who rock, friends are the best people in the world, silly book loving movie quoting self. And I think I might just like her.

Oh, and I'm buying Treasured Scrapbooking. Woot!

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Swallowed by Numbers

As part of the design team at Treasured Scrapbooking, one thing I get to do is issue a challenge each month for all the members to try out. This month my challenge is to scrap about ourselves, but not just the fluffy happy stuff. I want people to dig a little deeper and scrap below the surface of what we usually show. It doesn't have to be dark or sad or disturbing, but just meatier than the "what's on my ipod" or "why I love the color pink" type of layout. Although now that I mention it, I want to do a layout about each of those. :)

Here is my layout. "Swallowed by Numbers"

You can click the layout to make it bigger and check some of the details. There are a lot of layers, and some handmade details (literally in the case of the finger/handprints). The title was inspired by a prompt at Guttergirlz, which was totally awesome and made me happy. www.guttergirlz.blogspot.com if you haven't check them out, do it NOW.

What a month! Sheesh!

So things have been crazy for sure. We had a great time in Las Vegas, amazing shows, wonderful food, nice to relax and reconnect for our anniversary. The downside was that Brian got either avian or swine flu and was sick for a week after we got home. We had to send the kids to my mom's for several days so they wouldn't get sick, but they came home sick with something else, so it was basically two weeks of me taking care of sick people around the clock. I need a vacation to recover from that alone! Then I felt crappy for a couple of days, but not fully sick thank goodness.

Then we had a couple of regular days trying to get the house back in order (and playing WAY too much of a fun video game with Brian, lol). The house still isn't together. But that's pretty normal for us unfortunately.

And my internet wasn't working very well, I couldn't get blogger to load (or yahoo or msn or kohls or really any online retail stores, which made be suspicious that Brian was behind it all). Luckily it was an easy fix two weeks later by the techs, they just needed to switch our protocols, which I could have done over the phone if the phone support guys would have figured it out.

Then we had some sad news, Brian's grandfather passed away early Friday morning. He was quite elderly and had been in a decline for quite a while. It's very sad and I wish I could be up with Brian and his family helping, but it's best that I'm here with the kids so everyone is free to grieve as they need to. I've been sending telephone hugs though!

In a good note, I have finished up the latest class for Treasured Scrapbooking and it will be in the store when Leslie gets home from her trip to OBX.

And how cute is this blinkie????? From one of my favorite manufacturers. Sass and Prima have my heart as you probably already know!

$1000 Gift card giveaway!!??!!

Hey guys! I have just discovered that The Cuttlebug Spot is having a contest - "The Journey to 1,000"! They are trying to reach 1,000 followers by the end of July and need your help. To enter all you have to do is go to their site, sign up as follower and complete a few easy steps and you could win a $1,000 gift certificate to Custom Crops (www.CustomCrops.com)! GO NOW and check it out at www.TheCuttlebugSpot.com



I'll update soon with our trip to Vegas and all the craziness that's going on since our return. In short

Pros: Comfy bed with no kids' elbows in my spleen, Mystere, The Lion King, Penn & Teller, Enoteca San Marco, strawberry daquiris

Cons: SLOW service at Strip Steak, will NEVER eat there again, seriously it was bad. No skull mugs at the TI (out for the past month, I guess) and returning home with THE AVIAN FLU.

Just added some kits

I added some kits to my kit blog. You can expect to see more. I'm cleaning out some of my stash.

http://www.flutterinbygirlkits.blogspot.com/

I have a terrible sunburn from my yard sale, but it was worth it! I got rid of so much stuff and made some money for my vacation, too!

I also scrapped last night if you can believe it!

It's hubby's birthday!

And he's super cranky! LOL. I guess as we get a little older we no longer anticipate our birthdays with joy! :)

Happy Birthday, Brian!!!!







Also, check out the Rusty Pickle Amazing Race if you want to see some awesome scrap action. They post a clue, and the racers have to figure out where to go, then when they get there they have a scrappy challenge to finish by the next day! I have a couple of friends in the race, so cheer them on with me! Go Beth R. and Julie W.!!!!!!!

www.rustypickle.typepad.com is the blog address to follow the race along!